This is always such a hard time of year for me. It has been easier over the last couple of years, especially with Jesstine around to bring joy to my life. It was three years ago that we lost our firstborn child before she even drew a breath of oxygen outside of the womb. She was fully formed (aside for a small part of her tiny heart), beautifully and wonderfully made. She had dark hair like her daddy and it was curly around her ears. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes on, yet she had obvious signs that her earthly body was deteriorating. The days all seem like a blur now that I look back on them. From the moment I found out there was no life in her to the moment her earthly body came into this world, all seemed to drag by at the time. But looking back it was such an emotionally charged moment in our lives, that it seems like it went by quickly. I still remember how many people were there to hold our hands. I especially remember how strangers were crawling out of the wood work to offer their condolences and tell us their own stories of losing a child so young or even stillborn. It seems so surreal.
The days after we buried her seemed to be the longest days of my life. We just seemed to be living, but not doing much or accomplishing much. I tried to pass the days by finding ways that I could remember my little girl in my own way; a way to carry her with me so I would remember her at least once each day. I remember just a few days after burying her, in those days where we were just kind of getting through each day, I cried and prayed to God that I could just see her one more time! I wanted to see her whole though, not all wounded and broken as I had in the hospital. I remember closing my eyes and seeing my grandmother holding a small baby dressed all in white. The baby was resting on her shoulder with the most peaceful look on her face. My grandmother had her eyes closed and was resting with her. I will never forget that last look that God blessed me with.
I was also blessed through one of the avenues that is so dear in my life; music. The day of Babe B.'s memorial service and graveside service, we were given one of my prized possessions. It was a dvd containing a slide show of pictures of my little girl. They were very tastefully done and set to music. The music stuck with me so long and I began to grow obsessed with it. I found it online, downloaded it (and others from the same artist) and created a picture in my mind of what my daughter must be experiencing in heaven and what it will be like for me someday to be with her. I remember each year. Here it is for you. You can find the music on iTunes, or if you are around me I will be glad to share it with you. For now, here is the vision that I have of my firstborn, my sweet Babe B.
Babe B., we love you to the moon and back! Love, Daddy, Mommy and Jesstine
A Mother's Prayer
By Laura Kaufman
Little white dresses and curls in her hair.
Running through fields without a care.
Light streaming over her eyes and her face.
You could see, the Savior's grace.
Pink clouds dancing, in the sky.
Night time falling on your skin.
Catching those fireflies, one by one.
Lighting the way, through the night.
Walking the pathway that leads us to home.
Holding your hand as the starlight grows dim.
Resting you softly into your bed.
Kissing your cheek and singing you this song.
Angels guard you, all your life.
May Jesus guide each step you take and hold you tight.
But most of all I pray that you might feel.......
His love tonight.
Visions are coming, your eyes slowly close.
Love is the mystery, holding you now.
Believing in hopes while you sweetly rest.
OOOO, OOOO, OOOO, OOOO.
Angels guard you, all your life.
May Jesus guide each step you take and hold you tight.
But most of all I pray that you might feel....
His love tonight.
But most of all I pray that you might feel.......His love tonight.
In Him,
Stephen, Lacie and Jesstine
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