Okay, so in my last post I went into further detail some of my frustrations with breast feeding. After working for a whole day with Jesstine on nursing alone some things came to light. I stopped and thought and here is what I came up with. I have decided to see how long I can solely pump and feed her pumped milk and formula from now on. The reason why is because I feel like I can be a better mother this way. I found myself resenting her. I didn't WANT her to hurt and cry. But I found myself saying, "It serves you right." I came to this decision after I had struggled all day with her. I went to put her on the changing part of her pack and play. I accidentally caught her foot between my stomach and the edge of the changing place. She started to cry. I found myself saying "What is wrong with you now?" instead of feeling sympathetic and comforting her. I quickly realized this and picked her up to sooth her. By this time she had stopped crying already. I felt awful though. I don't think this is a post-partum (SP?!) thing. It very well could be but I strongly suspect that it is just my frustration. One reason is because I noticed it very quickly. I feel better when I feed her a bottle and I know she is fine with it. There are times that I find she still wants to comfort nurse. I am okay with that. If anything, that could help stimulate my breasts to produce for her. Another, it gives her and me the bonding part that breast feeding is supposed to provide without the frustration that seems to come for both of us. So, I feel confident that this will be fine. I know it is MY decision. I know breast milk is the best, but for many reasons it isn't the best for everyone. I feel that this way I can still provide her with the best as well as providing the best for both of us with less frustration and stress. I have found that just after one day, I have had a better attitude toward meeting her needs.
Despite all of this frustration and such, we are SURE Jesstine is growing; and FAST! Stephen has said he is not ready to let Jesstine move to her crib and her own bed. He says that he would like to wait until she is two months old. I agreed. Tonight he came in after putting her in her cradle in our room. He said, "I don't think we have much of a choice about putting her in her crib in a week or so! She is outgrowing her bassinet! So, regardless of which way I feed her, it is obvious that she is growing. I am at peace with my decision. I finally realized that I have to do what is best for the both of us and this is the way to go!
Thanks for the encouragement. I really do appreciate it! I don't want you to think that I don't take your comments seriously. I just was at a breaking point and saw that I was taking things out on the most innocent person in this situation. I know that isn't right, so I made a decision and so far it is what is best for us both!
Lacie, Stephen and Jesstine